Jokes

Julian Mayo · Post by **Julian Mayo** » Sat Mar 10, 2007 12:48 am

This is the only thread applicable for the following:
The one and only Ralf Schumaker is quoted in "Another F1 site",
As saying.............." I am one of the top 3 drivers in F1"

GhoGho · Post by **GhoGho** » Sat Mar 10, 2007 3:10 am

Its all about the attitude................

Julian Mayo · Post by **Julian Mayo** » Sat Mar 10, 2007 7:47 am

GhoGho wrote:Its all about the attitude................

Or Altitude?.......The guy must be as "high" as a kite

jacfan · Post by **jacfan** » Tue Mar 13, 2007 12:26 pm

Was at the mall the other day eating at the food court.
I noticed an old man watching a teenager sitting next to him The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue.

The old man kept staring at him.

The teenager would look and find the old man staring every time. When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?"

The old man did not bat an eye in his response, "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."

mlittle · Post by **mlittle** » Tue Mar 13, 2007 7:34 pm

Julian Mayo wrote:This is the only thread applicable for the following:
The one and only Ralf Schumaker is quoted in "Another F1 site",
As saying.............." I am one of the top 3 drivers in F1"

Two thoughts............

--Huh? HUH?

and..................

--Whatever Ralf's smoking............please bring plenty to the bar, okay?

jacfan · Post by **jacfan** » Thu Mar 15, 2007 11:40 pm

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their
new wives duties.

The first man had married a woman from Alabama, and bragged that he had
told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning
that needed done at their house. He said that it took a couple days but on
the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all
washed and put away.

The second man had married a woman from Ohio. He bragged that he had
given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and
the cooking. He told them that the first day he didn't see any results, but
the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the
dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married a New Jersey girl. He boasted that he told
her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn
mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the
first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but
by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a
little out of his left eye. Enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load
the dishwasher, and telephone a landscaper.

Got to love them New Jersey girls

GhoGho · Post by **GhoGho** » Tue Mar 20, 2007 5:58 am

This one has to be seen together with the pics in the document file available here:

http://www.snapdrive.net/files/368816/K ... Lizard.doc

Julian Mayo · Post by **Julian Mayo** » Tue Mar 20, 2007 6:15 am

Thats the water near the uranium mine in the NT......happens all the time

jacfan · Post by **jacfan** » Wed Mar 21, 2007 12:10 am

A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sits alone at a nearby table.

The wife asks, "Do you know her?"
"Yes, I used to..." sighs the husband, "She's my ex-girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."

"Oh, for Heavens sake", says the wife, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

jacfan · Post by **jacfan** » Thu Mar 22, 2007 2:35 pm

Not exactly a joke but couldn't think of where else to post this... it is funny.

REAL NEWSPAPER ADS

Free Yorkshire Terrier
8 years old Hateful little dog. Bites.

FREE PUPPIES
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbour's dog.

FREE PUPPIES...
Mother, AKC German shepherd.
Father, Super Dog...able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG.
Looks like a rat ... Been out a while.
Better be a reward.

COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.

GEORGIA PEACHES
California grown - 89 cents lb.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer $300.

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE
WORN ONCE BY MISTAKE
Call Stephanie

FOR SALE BY OWNER:
Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica, 45 volumes
Excellent condition
$1,000 or best offer
No longer needed, got married last month
Wife knows everything

jacfan · Post by **jacfan** » Thu Mar 29, 2007 5:29 pm

SEX
SOCIAL SECURITY SEX

Two men were talking. "So, how's your sex life?"

"Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex."

"Social Security sex?"

"Yeah, you know; I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

LOUD SEX

A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem, doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear splitting yell."
"My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is."

"The problem is," she complained, "it wakes me up!"

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
QUIET SEX

Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking session, "How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?"

She glanced at him casually and replied, "You're never home!"

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

ELDERLY SEX

One night an 87 year old woman came home from Bingo to find her 92 year old husband in bed with another woman. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor assisted living apartment .. Killing him instantly.
Brought before the court on charge of murder, the judge asked her if she had anything to say in her defense. She began coolly, "Yes, your honor, I figured that at 92, if he could have sex .. He could fly."

mlittle · Post by **mlittle** » Tue Apr 24, 2007 11:37 am

Another Round of Things Read in the Papers........

~~You know, I've said it before.....grocery stores need to check their ads before printing........."Scott Badroom Tissue", 2/$5. Ummm, what's a 'badroom' anyway......wait, I got it........I see......a badroom rising......

~~"Presto! Magicians appear in Colon..." That's just nice, pulling magic out of your ............

~~Sometimes you just can't make this stuff up........"In addition to the tours, there will be a pecan-judging contest. Anyone interested in having their nuts judged by a professional will need to hand them over to the Camp Verde Parks and Recreation Dept. by Friday, Feb. 9."

~~You know, I'm sure this is a fine delicatessen, but the name............Grand Opening of......the Cat Box Deli.

~~This just sounds awful...............Seven Corpse Dinner, 6:30 pm, Old Courthouse.....

jacfan · Post by **jacfan** » Tue Apr 24, 2007 3:29 pm

~~You know, I've said it before.....grocery stores need to check their ads before printing........."Scott Badroom Tissue", 2/$5. Ummm, what's a 'badroom' anyway......wait, I got it........I see......a badroom rising......

Bedroom or bathroom? Hmmmmm

~~"Presto! Magicians appear in Colon..." That's just nice, pulling magic out of your ............

Watch me pull a rabbit out of my hat, a hare out of my a$$ and finally a magician out of my colon.!!!!

~~Sometimes you just can't make this stuff up........"In addition to the tours, there will be a pecan-judging contest. Anyone interested in having their nuts judged by a professional will need to hand them over to the Camp Verde Parks and Recreation Dept. by Friday, Feb. 9."

How do they judge them???? How do you hand them over?????? so many questions and so few answers.

~~You know, I'm sure this is a fine delicatessen, but the name............Grand Opening of......the Cat Box Deli.

The truffles are to die for

~~This just sounds awful...............Seven Corpse Dinner, 6:30 pm, Old Courthouse.....

All served with a side order of fava beans and a nice chianti

jacfan · Post by **jacfan** » Mon Apr 30, 2007 11:15 am

Only in California

A Highway Patrolman pulled a car over and told the driver that because he had been wearing his seat belt, he had been numerically selected and had just won $5,000 in the statewide safety competition. What are you going to do with the money? asked the policeman. Well, I guess Im going to get a drivers license, he answered. Oh, don't listen to him, yelled a woman in
the passenger seat. He's a smart a#% when he's drunk. This woke up the
guy in the back seat who took one look at the cop and moaned, I knew we wouldn't get far in a stolen car. At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a voice said, in Spanish, Are we over the border yet?

mlittle · Post by **mlittle** » Thu May 03, 2007 1:58 pm

More Things You Find in the Newspapers...........

~~Maybe it's just me, but I don't get this one......."Survery: Teenage Alcohol, Drug Use Up. Survey of Arlington students finds them happier, more involved......" Considering the stress that students have in schools already, let's give them more drugs and alcohol..

~~One letter really does make a difference........Kitchen is the word in question.........."Digital bitchen timer". Isn't that a great Mother's Day present; Get your mom a 'bitchen timer!

~~This ad makes zero sense......."Found: large, obese goldfish; 11 years old, blind as a bat..." How do you lose a goldfish?

~~Here's an interesting recipe for the Idiots Bar......"Ocean Delight Parmesan. Grilled Alaskan salmon sprinkled with angel dust. Hey, no wonder I'm lightheaded.....

~~Here's an honest advertisment............."Lewmar Watches: Quality You Can't Count On!"

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