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Julian Mayo wrote:

jacfan wrote:COUNSELING - SOUTHERN STYLE

Earl and Bubba are quietly sitting in a boat fishing, chewing and

drinking beer when suddenly Bubba says, "I think I'm gonna

divorce my wife - she ain't spoke to me in over 2 months."

Earl spits, sips his beer and says, "Better think it over - - - -

women like that are hard to find.

What's her address?

Unfortunately I have never met her. Probably too busy cleaning the house during the day, fixing supper and getting beer for her master and of course staying quiet during whatever televisions show he wants to watch in the evening and later well....... very very busy then too.

jacfan wrote:

Julian Mayo wrote:

jacfan wrote:COUNSELING - SOUTHERN STYLE

Earl and Bubba are quietly sitting in a boat fishing, chewing and

drinking beer when suddenly Bubba says, "I think I'm gonna

divorce my wife - she ain't spoke to me in over 2 months."

Earl spits, sips his beer and says, "Better think it over - - - -

women like that are hard to find.

What's her address?

Unfortunately I have never met her. Probably too busy cleaning the house during the day, fixing supper and getting beer for her master and of course staying quiet during whatever televisions show he wants to watch in the evening and later well....... very very busy then too.

And I thought that the perfect woman was just a myth.

jacfan wrote:

Julian Mayo wrote:

jacfan wrote:COUNSELING - SOUTHERN STYLE

Earl and Bubba are quietly sitting in a boat fishing, chewing and

drinking beer when suddenly Bubba says, "I think I'm gonna

divorce my wife - she ain't spoke to me in over 2 months."

Earl spits, sips his beer and says, "Better think it over - - - -

women like that are hard to find.

What's her address?

Unfortunately I have never met her. Probably too busy cleaning the house during the day, fixing supper and getting beer for her master and of course staying quiet during whatever televisions show he wants to watch in the evening and later well....... very very busy then too.

3rd Cousin Bernice is obviously into role reversal

MSNBC's Most Peculiar Stories of 2007

These stories made headlines, for some interesting reasons....................
(and in the spirit of the "Late Show w/David Letterman"............... )

No. 10.................Another medical mystery solved, "Headache mystery solved by a bullet"
No. 9...................Talk about getting an --- to help ya', "Man brings donkey to testify on his behalf"
No. 8...................Talk about bad reflexes, "Beheaded rattlesnake sends man to hospital"
No. 7...................Bad elephant, BAD ELEPHANT!, "Elephants electrocuted in drunken rampage"
No. 6...................Darwin Award winners!.........,"Naked pair fall from roof to their deaths"
No. 5...................Shame No. 8 couldn't happen to this fellow, "Man gets probation for dead deer sex"
No. 4...................Stupidity 101, "Judge: Cleaner owes me $65 million for pants"
No. 3...................Julian's been working on those scooters again......."Wheelchair user taken on wild 50mph ride"
No. 2...................Bad toilet, BAD TOILET!!.........."Woman cited for cursing at toilet"

And the number one weird news story of 2007........................................
"Shot duck survives 2 days in refrigerator"

Taking a cue from that late-night curmudgeon, David Letterman, here is tonight's top-10 list............."Why I'd want to be a ChampCar driver........"

~~No. 10} Being the last person in history to drive the Panoz DP01.
~~No. 9} No income tax to pay.
~~No. 8} Asked easy questions by fans, like, "Are you in the series Danica races in?"
~~No. 7} Getting to race in exotic locations like Las Vegas, San Jose, Korea, China and Phoenix.
~~No. 6} Going O.J. on somebody and having the ChampCar fanatics cry out in your defense, "Well, they shouldn't stood in front of the knife!"
~~No. 5} Having drivers go on the reality show My Super Sweet 16 thinking it was about the car count in 2008.
~~No. 4} Explaining to the same fanatics from No. 6 why having 1 am live broadcasts is good for U.S. TV ratings.
~~No. 3} Getting all that purse money.....hopefully before June 2009.
~~No. 2} Offered the Rocketsports seat after Paulie G. gets sponsorship from an "internet partnership based out of Nigeria".

And the number one reason why one would want to be a ChampCar driver............"Memorial Day Weekend off!!!!"

The 2007 Darwin Awards
>
> Yes, it's that magical time of year again when the Darwin Awards are
> bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us. Here is the glorious
> winner:
>
> 1. When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim
> during a hold-up in Long Beach , California , would-be robber James
> Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the
> barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.
>
>
> 2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat-cutting
> machine and, after a little shopping around, submitted claim to his
> insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its
> men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a
> finger.
>
> The chef's claim was approved.
>
> 3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car
> during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman
> had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.
>
> 4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver
> found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting
> from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his
> incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone
> waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the
> mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable
> and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3
> days.
>
> 5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head
> wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the
> injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close
> he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.
>
> 6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the
> counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer,
> the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which
> the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and
> fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he
> got from the drawer...$15
>
> 7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that
> he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some
> booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his
> head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be
> thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was
> made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.
>
> 8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man
> grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the
> woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher.
> Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the
> car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car
> and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes,
> officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."
>
> 9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a
> Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and
> demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't
> open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion
> rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man,
> frustrated, walked away.
>
>
> (*A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER)
>
> 10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on
> a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived
> at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near
> spilled sewage.
>
> A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal
> gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank
> by mistake.
>
> The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was
> the best laugh he'd ever had
>
> In the interest of bettering mankind, please share these with your
> friends and family, unless of course one of these individuals by chance
> is a distant relative or long-lost friend. In that case, be glad they
> are distant and hope they remain lost.
>
> Remember ... they walk among us!

mlittle wrote:MSNBC's Most Peculiar Stories of 2007

These stories made headlines, for some interesting reasons....................
(and in the spirit of the "Late Show w/David Letterman"............... )

No. 10.................Another medical mystery solved, "Headache mystery solved by a bullet"
No. 9...................Talk about getting an --- to help ya', "Man brings donkey to testify on his behalf"
No. 8...................Talk about bad reflexes, "Beheaded rattlesnake sends man to hospital"
No. 7...................Bad elephant, BAD ELEPHANT!, "Elephants electrocuted in drunken rampage"
No. 6...................Darwin Award winners!.........,"Naked pair fall from roof to their deaths"
No. 5...................Shame No. 8 couldn't happen to this fellow, "Man gets probation for dead deer sex"
No. 4...................Stupidity 101, "Judge: Cleaner owes me $65 million for pants"
No. 3...................Julian's been working on those scooters again......."Wheelchair user taken on wild 50mph ride"
No. 2...................Bad toilet, BAD TOILET!!.........."Woman cited for cursing at toilet"

And the number one weird news story of 2007........................................
"Shot duck survives 2 days in refrigerator"

A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.

"Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for it and while I was rooting around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball... stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. "That's when I made my mistake."

"What did you do?" asks the doctor.

"Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, ‘Hey, this looks like yours!’"

Redhead wrote:A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.

"Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for it and while I was rooting around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball... stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. "That's when I made my mistake."

"What did you do?" asks the doctor.

"Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, ‘Hey, this looks like yours!’"

I love It!!!

A local newspaper ran a competition asking for a poem with the most romantic first line, but the least romantic second line. Here are some of the entries they received:


Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss
But I only slept with you because I was pissed.

I thought that I could love no other
Until, that is, I met your brother

Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty, and so is your head.

Of loving beauty you float with grace
If only you could hide your face

Kind, intelligent, loving, and hot
This describes everything you are not

I ! want to feel your sweet embrace
But don't take that paper bag off of your face

I love your smile, your face, and your eyes-
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you has screwed up my life

I see your face when I am dreaming
That's why I always wake up screaming

My love you take my breath away
What have you stepped in to smell this way?

My feelings for you no words can tell
Except for maybe 'go to hell'

What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime

Geez nobody keeping up the jokes. What the hell is happening around here???? I disappear for a while and you guys slack off and no humour to be had. Not nice ya know.

The Zoo.

Last night my Dad took me to the local cheap zoo.
There was only one animal there....
and it was a dog.
it was a Shih Tzu!!!!

jacfan wrote:The Zoo.

Last night my Dad took me to the local cheap zoo.
There was only one animal there....
and it was a dog.
it was a Shih Tzu!!!!

Julian Mayo wrote:

jacfan wrote:The Zoo.

Last night my Dad took me to the local cheap zoo.
There was only one animal there....
and it was a dog.
it was a Shih Tzu!!!!

Oh now don't cry... I will take you to a better zoo. So pack a picnic and we are on our way.

jacfan wrote:

Julian Mayo wrote:

jacfan wrote:The Zoo.

Last night my Dad took me to the local cheap zoo.
There was only one animal there....
and it was a dog.
it was a Shih Tzu!!!!

Oh now don't cry... I will take you to a better zoo. So pack a picnic and we are on our way.

Bring Blanky??