Jokes

[jacfan]

Oh now don't cry... I will take you to a better zoo. So pack a picnic and we are on our way.

Bring Blanky??

Ah I wondered where blanky had gone. Of course you must bring blanky.

[Julian Mayo]

Oh now don't cry... I will take you to a better zoo. So pack a picnic and we are on our way.

Bring Blanky??

Ah I wondered where blanky had gone. Of course you must bring blanky.

[jacfan]

Little Billy asks his dad for a telly in his room. Dad reluctantly agrees.

Next day Billy comes downstairs and asks, 'Dad, what's love juice??'

Dad looks horrified and tells Billy all about sex. Billy just sits there
with his mouth open in amazement.

Dad says, 'So what were you watchin'?'




Billy says, 'Wimbledon.'

[Julian Mayo]

Little Billy asks his dad for a telly in his room. Dad reluctantly agrees.

Next day Billy comes downstairs and asks, 'Dad, what's love juice??'

Dad looks horrified and tells Billy all about sex. Billy just sits there
with his mouth open in amazement.

Dad says, 'So what were you watchin'?'




Billy says, 'Wimbledon.'

Ace

[jacfan]

An Australian ventriloquist



An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand walks into a Small
village and sees a local sitting on his veranda patting his dog.

He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the Kiwi

'G'day, mind if I talk to your dog?'

Villager: 'The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie.'

Ventriloquist: 'Hello dog, how's it going mate?'

Dog: 'Yeah, doin' all right.'

Kiwi: (look of extreme shock)

Ventriloquist: 'Is this villager your owner?' (pointing at the
Villager)

Dog: 'Yep'

Ventriloquist: 'How does he treat you?'

Dog: 'Yeah, real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food And
takes me to the lake once a week to play.'

Kiwi: (look of utter disbelief)

Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your horse?'

Kiwi: 'Uh, the horse doesn't talk either...I think.'

Ventriloquist: 'Hey horse, how's it going?'

Horse: 'Cool'

Kiwi: (absolutely dumbfounded)

Ventriloquist: 'Is this your owner?' (Pointing at the villager)

Horse: 'Yep'

Ventriloquist: How does he treat you?

Horse: 'Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, Brushes
me down often and keeps me in the shed to protect me from the Elements.'

Kiwi: (total look of amazement)

Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your sheep?'

Kiwi: (in a panic) 'The sheep's a f*****' liar......'

[mlittle]

An Australian ventriloquist



An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand walks into a Small
village and sees a local sitting on his veranda patting his dog.

He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the Kiwi

'G'day, mind if I talk to your dog?'

Villager: 'The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie.'

Ventriloquist: 'Hello dog, how's it going mate?'

Dog: 'Yeah, doin' all right.'

Kiwi: (look of extreme shock)

Ventriloquist: 'Is this villager your owner?' (pointing at the
Villager)

Dog: 'Yep'

Ventriloquist: 'How does he treat you?'

Dog: 'Yeah, real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food And
takes me to the lake once a week to play.'

Kiwi: (look of utter disbelief)

Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your horse?'

Kiwi: 'Uh, the horse doesn't talk either...I think.'

Ventriloquist: 'Hey horse, how's it going?'

Horse: 'Cool'

Kiwi: (absolutely dumbfounded)

Ventriloquist: 'Is this your owner?' (Pointing at the villager)

Horse: 'Yep'

Ventriloquist: How does he treat you?

Horse: 'Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, Brushes
me down often and keeps me in the shed to protect me from the Elements.'

Kiwi: (total look of amazement)

Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your sheep?'

Kiwi: (in a panic) 'The sheep's a f*****' liar......'

..................... ..................... ............................. Back to the Idiots Bar........

[jacfan]

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says, 'Hang on! You're a duck.'

'I see your eyes are working,' replies the duck.

'And you can talk!' exclaims the barman.

'I see your ears are working, too,' says the duck. 'Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?'

'Certainly, sorry about that,' says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint. 'It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?'

'I'm working on the building site across the road,' explains the duck. 'I'm a plasterer.'

The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.

So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.

The same thing happens for two weeks.

Then one day the circus comes to town.

The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him 'You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!'

'Sounds marvelous,' says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. 'Get him to give me a call.'

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, 'Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money.'

'I'm always looking for the next job,' says the duck. 'Where is it?'

'At the circus,' says the barman.

'The circus?' repeats the duck.

'That's right,' replies the barman.

'The circus?' the duck asks again. 'That place with the big tent?'

'Yeah,' the barman replies.

'With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?' says the duck.

'Of course,' the barman replies.

'And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?' persists the duck.

'That's right!' says the barman.

The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says .. . .





'What the f*** would they want with a plasterer??!'

[GhoGho]

[jacfan]

UCLA STUDY (VERY INTERESTING & SHORT)


A study worth sharing with friends both male and female:


A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.


For example: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features.


However, if she is menstruating, or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his chest while he is on fire.


No further studies are expected.

[mlittle]

UCLA STUDY (VERY INTERESTING & SHORT)


A study worth sharing with friends both male and female:


A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.


For example: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features.


However, if she is menstruating, or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his chest while he is on fire.


No further studies are expected.

[Julian Mayo]

Sigh..pass the duct tape

[mlittle]

More Things One Finds in the Papers............

~~You know, its' good that the government is discussion ways to distribute home heating oil to low-income residents, but the wording could've been different...........Governor to help people with gas.

~~Some things just make you go, ...........Specialty Services......Colon Hydrotherapy. The next line said........Surprise location only!.......

~~Here in the States', school is just around the corner........Back-to-School Specials.......Free 26-piece balloon......Now, what class is this for again?

~~Here's a bit of sad news......a woman hit and killed a deer on a country road; the name of the deer hasn't been released until the family has been notified......I have some bad news, Mr. and Mrs. Bambi........

~~Maybe this is your typical country newspaper ad, but......Free young goat for butchering or companion animal.........

[jacfan]

More Things One Finds in the Papers............

~~You know, its' good that the government is discussion ways to distribute home heating oil to low-income residents, but the wording could've been different...........Governor to help people with gas.

~~Some things just make you go, ...........Specialty Services......Colon Hydrotherapy. The next line said........Surprise location only!.......

~~Here in the States', school is just around the corner........Back-to-School Specials.......Free 26-piece balloon......Now, what class is this for again?

~~Here's a bit of sad news......a woman hit and killed a deer on a country road; the name of the deer hasn't been released until the family has been notified......I have some bad news, Mr. and Mrs. Bambi........

~~Maybe this is your typical country newspaper ad, but......Free young goat for butchering or companion animal.........

Oh some of those are shockers. My heartfelt sympathy to Mr and Mrs Bambi.... I wonder if they have been notified yet.

[mlittle]

More Things One Finds in the Papers............

~~You know, its' good that the government is discussion ways to distribute home heating oil to low-income residents, but the wording could've been different...........Governor to help people with gas.

~~Some things just make you go, ...........Specialty Services......Colon Hydrotherapy. The next line said........Surprise location only!.......

~~Here in the States', school is just around the corner........Back-to-School Specials.......Free 26-piece balloon......Now, what class is this for again?

~~Here's a bit of sad news......a woman hit and killed a deer on a country road; the name of the deer hasn't been released until the family has been notified......I have some bad news, Mr. and Mrs. Bambi........

~~Maybe this is your typical country newspaper ad, but......Free young goat for butchering or companion animal.........

Oh some of those are shockers. My heartfelt sympathy to Mr and Mrs Bambi.... I wonder if they have been notified yet.

I'm still wondering whether they've been notified yet.....then again.............

[mlittle]

W.C. Fields(29 Jan. 1880-25 Dec. 1946)

Here are some interesting comedic quotes from one of America's great misanthropic comedians, W.C. Fields..............


~~Here lies W.C. Fields.....I'd rather be in Philadelphia.

~~Once in the wilds of Afghanistan, I lost my corkscrew....we were forced to live on nothing but food and water for days......

~~'Twas a woman who drove me to drink.....I never had the courtesy to thank her.

~~I didn't squawk about the steak, dear.....I merely said I didn't see that old horse that used to be tethered out there........

~~A thing worth having is a thing worth cheating for.

~~All of the men in my family were bearded........come to think of it, so were most of the women..............

~~I don't drink water......Fish **** in it!(use your own expletive..... )

--Q: Do you like children?
--A: I do if they're cooked properly.......

~~I am free of all prejudice.....I hate everyone equally.......

~~Madam, there's no such thing as a tough child........if you parboil them for several hours, they always come out tender.

~~My father was one of the great immorals....er, immortals, of all time.

~~Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch.........

~~Thou shalt not commit adultery....unless one is in the mood........

~~Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's property unless they have a well-stocked bar......

~~(After declining to play a round of golf with someone he didn't like, he said this gem of a quote.......).....When I want to play with a *****, I'll play with my own!!

~~(When asked about clubs for women, he said this.......)....Yes, if every other form of persuasion fails.....

~~Here, have some razor blades, kids.....now, go play with them!!!

(When caught reading the Bible once, he said this gem of a quote.......)......I'm looking for loopholes!

And finally..........When a man lies, cheats and steals, but hates children.....there must be something good about him!