Jokes

jacfan · Post by **jacfan** » Sat Jul 15, 2006 12:20 am

Girls night out
Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'

Julian Mayo · Post by **Julian Mayo** » Sat Jul 15, 2006 12:29 am

jacfan wrote:Girls night out
Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'

Yeah right, then how come I had eleventy seven firies ringing me the day the kids n I moved out ?????
N how come the the other guys dawg bolted n found the panties n took them home, and he cant look at vindaloo since

jacfan · Post by **jacfan** » Sat Jul 15, 2006 3:14 pm

Ummmm I can't even begin to answer your questions. Think I need to get over to the bar and have a quick drink or two.

jacfan · Post by **jacfan** » Mon Jul 17, 2006 4:16 pm

Don't step on the Ducks !!

Three women die together in an accident

and go to heaven.

When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!"

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.

St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"

The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.

She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most ha ndsome man she has ever laid eyes on ... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"

The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"

jacfan · Post by **jacfan** » Wed Jul 19, 2006 6:33 pm

*Rules To Consider*

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on
the same night.

2. Don't worry about what people think, they don't do it very often.

3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian anymore than standing in a garage makes you a car.

4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried
before.

6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

8. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice
person. (This is very important. Pay attention! It never fails.)

9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.

13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks
before you need it.

20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake
when you make it again.

22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real
world.

25. It ain't the jeans that make your butt look fat.

26. If you had to identify, in 1 word, the reason why the human race has
not achieved, & never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be
"meetings."

27. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

28. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never
want you to share yours with them.

29. You should not confuse your career with your life.

30. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

31. Never lick a steak knife.

32. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.

33. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling
reason why we observe daylight savings time.

34. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

35. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.

36. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender,
religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside,
we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

37. Your friends love you anyway.

38. Thought for the day: Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.

Julian Mayo · Post by **Julian Mayo** » Fri Jul 21, 2006 1:18 am

Gee, thats my bible

Julian Mayo · Post by **Julian Mayo** » Fri Jul 21, 2006 1:25 am

I was at a symposium on health and nutrition yesterday.
A nutritonal expert was addressing us:
saying how bad most foods we westerners eat is;
and how our water is germ laden:
bemoaning the effects of alcohol n tobacco,
then she said, "I bet no-one knows the worst food we can put in our mouths?"
The old fella next to me raised a bent withered finger, and when asked,
replied
"Wedding Cake"

.................I had to leave.

jacfan · Post by **jacfan** » Fri Jul 21, 2006 11:47 am

Does that apply if it is not your wedding?

Julian Mayo · Post by **Julian Mayo** » Fri Jul 21, 2006 12:54 pm

jacfan wrote: Does that apply if it is not your wedding?

You would be an "accessory before the fact"........

jacfan · Post by **jacfan** » Fri Jul 21, 2006 4:35 pm

Oh well

I had wedding cake and it didn't kill me.

jacfan · Post by **jacfan** » Fri Jul 21, 2006 4:37 pm

TOP TEN TV SHOWS IN IRAQ

10. Husseinfeld

9. Mad About Everything

8. Allah McBeal

7. Wheel of Fortune and Terror

6. Achmed's Creek

5. The Price is Right if Saddam Says it's Right

4. Children Are Forbidden From Saying Anything Darndest

3. The Brian Benben Bin Laden Show

2. Buffy the Slayer of American Imperialist Dogs

1. Suddenly Sanctions

Julian Mayo · Post by **Julian Mayo** » Fri Jul 21, 2006 5:09 pm

jacfan wrote:Oh well I had wedding cake and it didn't kill me.

But what about the groom....a lingering, slow, agonising death.....?

jacfan · Post by **jacfan** » Fri Jul 21, 2006 10:33 pm

Julian Mayo wrote:
jacfan wrote:Oh well I had wedding cake and it didn't kill me.
But what about the groom....a lingering, slow, agonising death.....?

This my dear Julian is a picture of my hubby laughing after your comments. Thanks mate..

jacfan · Post by **jacfan** » Fri Jul 21, 2006 10:34 pm

Message from hubby: Yes apparently you only get 20 years for murder.

Julian Mayo · Post by **Julian Mayo** » Fri Jul 21, 2006 11:19 pm

jacfan wrote:
Julian Mayo wrote:
jacfan wrote:Oh well I had wedding cake and it didn't kill me.
But what about the groom....a lingering, slow, agonising death.....?
This my dear Julian is a picture of my hubby laughing after your comments. Thanks mate..

So you might be single soon ??????.............